Three Stars (2010) —– Rating: 8/10

Three Stars is a documentary about the Michelin Guide and a few select restaurants who have either one, two, or three stars, hence the title.  If you do not know what the Michelin guide is I will briefly tell you.  It is like the Academy Awards of restaurants.  Michelin sends out testers worldwide to find all of the best restaurants and, like the Academy, they are very much secretive about how they rate restaurants and award stars.  If you want to know more, well then this is a perfect reason to watch Three Stars.

Documentaries are extremely easy to review because all I need to do is say whether or not it was informative, entertaining, and well-made.  So my thoughts are always broken up into those 3 categories.  Going into the movie not knowing much about the Michelin Guide was perfect for me to base my decision of how informative the movie is.  It is highly informative, engaging, and interesting.  In one way or another, everybody loves food, so if you have no other reason to watch it, then food-loving is all you need.  It is not a mouth-watering movie, it is a mouth-drenching movie.  Halfway through, I was forced to change shirts because my drool had amassed to the size of a small lagoon and fish were beginning to inhabit it.

That also answers the question of whether or not it was entertaining.  Looking at the food was enough but seeing the different three star rated restaurants across the planet was mystifying.  They are all so unique and each head chef could replace the Dos Equis guy for most interesting man/woman in the world.

Finally, from the film analysis point of view of how well-made the movie is, I choose not to talk about all the boring things like how the editing and narration are (great and great) because I believe thinking about those requirements while you watch only distracts you from all the things you learn in a documentary.  In my mind an entertaining and informative documentary is well-made simply for those reasons.  What I’m trying to get at are these few points; do you like documentaries?  If yes or maybe, then watch it.  Do you love food?  If yes then watch it, if no then straitjacket yourself in Saran-wrap and lay down on a railroad track.  Three Stars is a great choice no matter what time of day and a must-see for documentary-loving Netflix streamers.  8/10

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives (2010) —– Rating: 1.75/10

I was so pumped to see it, mostly based on the INCREDIBLE movie poster (pictured above), and right off the bat it was weird.  Totally fine because so are lots of great movies.  Then it started to drag pretty much from the beginning and it became boring.  There were cool/interesting instances when I was excited to see where they were going with it and then the movie completely messed it up and wasted the opportunity.  Then it went back to boring, then weird, then weirder, then stupid and finally god awful.  It remained god awful from about a half hour in right up till the screen faded out.

By the halfway mark I was 15% watching and 85% wishing for sweet death to release me from viewing anymore of this abomination of a movie.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of movies that have no plot but I do not like ones that focus all of their time on scenery, random images of trees, bestiality (that was the kicker), symbolic nonsense and, worst of all, an ending that made less sense than the fact that there is an imaginary number in math that you can actually use in equations.  If you really want to be contrived (which most film critics are and you know the type, they are ones who say things like “I don’t watch movies, I watch films”) then you can analyze the ending and pretend like it means something profound but you know what, the rest of us see right through your act.

I’m sorry for all the rants but movies like this piss me off and worst of all it won the highest award at the Cannes Film Festival so really the only conclusion is that I should go mate with myself and so I will.  Right after I rate this movie a hard 1.75/10.  Boom goes the dynamite.

Kon-Tiki (2012) —– Rating: 7.5/10

How this is actually a true story is so mind-blowing that I just cannot get my head around it. It’s so incredible that if it were not a true story and someone had made up this adventure story then everyone who saw it would say it was shitty because it was so unrealistic, but oh no, I assure you it is very real.

Aside from the story the images are fantastic and so is the directing. There was definitely something missing however. Something about it felt rushed and I can’t explain how that’s possible because it is almost exactly two hours long. The part of the story when they show the main character interacting with his wife and family never really gets brought up again which bothered me and it just felt like they threw it in for an emotional angle that was never fully played out. It left me wanting more but not in the sense that I wanted to watch it again right away rather I wish they had more detail from the beginning.

All in all, it’s a great movie and an epic adventure like no other. I recommend it to all. 7.5/10.

The Class (2008) —– Rating: 8.25/10

Incredible is the only word I can use to describe an author who writes a famous book, then writes a screenplay based on the aforementioned book, then decides to star in the movie and dominate every scene.  François Bégaudeau is a fantastic actor and screenwriter.

The best part about the movie is also the aspect of it that most everyday movie viewers would highly dislike. The element of a cliffhanger or an indefinite decision. For example, in most American Hollywood movies, when there is a debate between two people or some sort of conflict, that conflict is resolved for one of two reasons. The first is that the director is pouring his/her own opinion into the film and making it very clear what he/she thinks is right. The second is Hollywood knows that the average moviegoer does not want to be left in the dark and forced to think about the meaning behind each scene. Big budget Hollywood movies leave nothing to the imagination and almost never have anything that forces the viewer to think outside the box the moment the movie is over. This is why independent/foreign films are typically better and more thought-provoking than anything you can find at your local Showcase Cinemas.

Now back to The Class. Most of the scenes take place in the one classroom and the plot revolves around a group of culturally diverse students in a small town in France. There is so much conflict between students and students, or students and teachers, and the genius of the movie is that we as viewers are torn between deciding who is right. The writing and acting is illustrated so well that we can understand both points of view and there is never a clear cut “winner”. Each character is complex because just when we start to think that the teacher is the protagonist, boom, he launches into a tirade of insults or when we think the students are being cooperative and helpful, all of a sudden, they are cussing, fighting, and showing their other sides.

The whole movie is like a violent dance between teacher and student where each is trying to be the leader so there is never a perfect rhythm, only brief instances of harmony followed by chaos and confusion. Great performances all around, maybe slightly too long and repetitive but still very well done on all accounts. 8.25/10.

The White Ribbon (2009) —– Rating: 7.75/10

Very hard to get through at first but things really start to heat up after the first third. Long movie and could be shorter, which it probably should, however the plot was extremely interesting at the end and it all becomes a big mystery.

I really enjoyed it and I love foreign movies. The kids all did a very good job with their roles and the acting as a whole for the movie was great. Solid creepy, oddball movie that was very disturbing. 7.75/10

The Rules of the Game (1939) —– Rating: 8.5/10

The Rules of the Game starts out on a low note and stays on that note for a little while. It uses this time to set up the rest of the film and though the beginning will probably bore most audience members (and it will because you are just watching a bunch of aristocrats be aristocrats) it was very helpful later on.

The pace of the film after all the guests enter the house is fantastic and there are so many different things going on at once that you feel like you are watching several different story lines. Of course, they all somehow connect to each other but this is very different than the way they do it in a movie like Crash because all the people are in one mansion and have personal relationships with each other. The stories are all intersecting and the last third of the movie is a riot.  Insanity ensues and there is a lot of yelling and fighting. I did not see any of that coming which made it all that much better (and I apologize for ruining that for you but it’s not like I spoiled a big surprise so save your complaints for someone else) and the ending is not abrupt at all, it simply comes to a perfect close.

The dialogue is excellent and I think the best part of the whole experience was how very relatable the title and moral-of-the-story is today. It’s all about the rules of love and in the end there really are no rules which they repeatedly refer to directly so that there is no way to mistake what it is trying to say. Lastly, the characters are all very different and complex which makes them that much more interesting when packed in a mansion all together.

After the first third it is very enjoyable and I highly recommend it unless you’re a schmuck who won’t watch black and white movies, in which case you should stop reading my reviews because I don’t like you. 8.5/10

The Seventh Seal (1957) —– Rating: 7.5/10

The idea of having a man play an unwinnable chess game with death is the greatest thing I have ever heard in my entire life. So creative I cannot even stand it. I absolutely hated the part with the actors (characters in the movie who were actors not the actors themselves) in the movie and everything they were involved with. Totally took away from it and really annoyed me.

Complete lull in the middle and yet the whole thing with death coming in and out of the story was great because he’s always looming and they make it a point to say you can’t outrun him. The dialogue was fantastic and the ending was solid. It was kind of a disturbing movie and I think they got pompous and tried to throw in a bunch of BS symbolism that didn’t need to be there (as if a chess game with death isn’t already the greatest symbolism an audience member can ask for).

Hard to watch but I will give it many many props for originality and dialogue. Did not love it but still a good movie. 7.5/10

The Hunt (2013) —– Rating: 10/10

This movie is arguably the best movie of 2013. Absolutely untouchable. Mads Mikkelson is a revelation. The girl had one of the best child performances in history. She was perfect and the script was as flawless as they come.

The ending was immediately confusing but after I decided what I thought it meant and read other reviewers take on the ending, I firmly decided it is genius and the perfect conclusion. The plot is understated and smooth. It is so dark I couldn’t even handle it and I was on the edge of my seat for the entire thing.

I will never get over the acting in this film and I will not stop talking about it for a long time. SO powerful. 10/10 and that was one of the easiest 10/10’s I have handed out in a long while.

The Broken Circle Breakdown (2013) —– Rating: 10/10

As I wipe the tears off my keyboard, and try to find some way I could possibly review this movie, I merely find myself laying back into my bed, staring at the ceiling, and I begin to think.  I think about life and everything that is going on in mine and all my friends’ lives.  I think about how many problems are in this world and all the bad things that exist for what seems like no reason.  I think about death and what happens to me after I die and where all my loved ones are now.  I think about the possibility of a higher power and I continue to find myself agreeing with the main character’s point of view.  I think about why I should even bother trying to write a review when there are so many more important things happening in this world, but then I remember what brought me to this train of thought. 

How did I end up on my back, hands behind my head, face-up and drifting off into endless thought? 

Great movies will come and go but then there are ones that will knock me out cold and force me to think about them for days on end.  Not about what they mean, rather how another human being could connect with me on such a personal level simply by making a movie.  How a few actors can take words on paper and perform flawlessly through every movement in the film and keep my attention for hours on end.  How I am supposed to wake up tomorrow and go to class knowing that I do not care about schoolwork and that in the end none of it really matters because I love to watch movies and few things make me as happy as when I see a good one. 

At the end of all these thoughts I come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no interest in dissecting this film.  I can only pray that others will read this and rent it, stumble upon it online, or be recommended by a friend to watch it and finally understand what has caused me to endlessly think about what I love in this world and be once again reassured that as long as people are willing to makes movies like this, I will NEVER STOP WATCHING.  10/10

The Son (2002) —– Rating: 6.5/10

It’s very hard to try and tell a story the way that this film does and expect it to work out. Now I am not specifically saying that it did or did not work in this scenario, I am simply stating that it is incredibly difficult. When you finish watching a movie like this you realize that there really was not that much “acting” that actually went into it. You also realize that the story is, at its core, extremely basic. For example, have you ever looked at abstract art and thought, “they paid this guy thousands to draw nonsense that I could have done myself?” That is kind of what the story line is like with The Son.

The whole movie is essentially one giant build-up to what could only possibly be a lackluster climax. The films relies on how realistic it is because the whole time you feel as though you are taking the carpentry class with the rest of the boys. I could have written this myself however there is clearly always more that goes into it. It’s hard to be emotionally attached to the movie yet somehow it does not lose your attention. After all, the story is about a carpenter who teaches a class on carpentry and one day the boy who murdered his son at a young age joins the class. He of course does not know who the teacher is and so we as the audience beg the film to tell us what happens when this truth is finally revealed.

The camerawork was fantastic and the characters were sublime but it’s had for me to say I was entertained throughout. This movie drags a lot and, in court, pleading a defense of foreshadowing and anticipation simply does not win the case. A bad movie by no means but the general public should not waste their time. 6.5/10